Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Hmmm...
Six years ago, I was awakened by my sister Kay or maybe startled out of my bed would be more appropriate. I remember her saying that my mother couldn't get my father to wake up. The rest is history.
I jumped out of my bed to go and see what was going on. There was a bunch of snow outside on the ground. We were released from school early the day before.
When I got home from work on that Wednesday, my daddy was sitting in the basement. I was so glad to see him back home from the hospital following a surgical procedure. I believed that because he was home everything was going to be okay. We talked about the people on tv who were having accidents and getting stuck in the snow. He told us about his stay in the hospital. His nurse's name was Sonya.
I was supposed to go and visit him in the hospital the night before. But, I just knew that he was okay and because he was scheduled to come home the next day I decided not to take the 35 - 40 minute drive to the hospital. This is a decision that I regret. I stupidly thought that I would be tired for work the next day, so I didn't go to the hospital. I should have went anyway and called in to work if I was tired. Ever since, I felt that I put my job before my family and I NEVER want to do that again. I can replace a job, a job can replace me, but I cannot replace a loved one.
To make a long story short, I never talked to my father again after that Wednesday. Well, I have, but he couldn't hear me. I'm not sure if I've ever forgiven myself for not going to the hospital. I'm sure he wouldn't have held that against me.
What am I trying to say? I loved my daddy and still do very much. I think of him often. I used to get sad when I thought of him, but I don't think that's the proper way to honor him. He was full of joy--always laughing and smiling and singing. I hope that if he were here he would be proud of me--the person I am and the choices I've made.
He taught me a lot of things. He was present for me and my family. He worked HARD to take care of us. He raised us as children should be raised. He didn't let us do what we wanted to do and he didn't let us disrespect him or our mother. He set a standard for us and we are who we are because of him.
I did not intend for this blog to go in this direction. I feel like I'm rambling. How do you deal with the loss of a loved one?...You live and you keep living and you love and you don't change who you are. You might make a few mistakes, but maintain your integrity. No matter what, I'm still Rufus Parker's child. There's a level of expectation that comes with being his child and by meeting and exceeding those expectations, I keep his memory alive.
I jumped out of my bed to go and see what was going on. There was a bunch of snow outside on the ground. We were released from school early the day before.
When I got home from work on that Wednesday, my daddy was sitting in the basement. I was so glad to see him back home from the hospital following a surgical procedure. I believed that because he was home everything was going to be okay. We talked about the people on tv who were having accidents and getting stuck in the snow. He told us about his stay in the hospital. His nurse's name was Sonya.
I was supposed to go and visit him in the hospital the night before. But, I just knew that he was okay and because he was scheduled to come home the next day I decided not to take the 35 - 40 minute drive to the hospital. This is a decision that I regret. I stupidly thought that I would be tired for work the next day, so I didn't go to the hospital. I should have went anyway and called in to work if I was tired. Ever since, I felt that I put my job before my family and I NEVER want to do that again. I can replace a job, a job can replace me, but I cannot replace a loved one.
To make a long story short, I never talked to my father again after that Wednesday. Well, I have, but he couldn't hear me. I'm not sure if I've ever forgiven myself for not going to the hospital. I'm sure he wouldn't have held that against me.
What am I trying to say? I loved my daddy and still do very much. I think of him often. I used to get sad when I thought of him, but I don't think that's the proper way to honor him. He was full of joy--always laughing and smiling and singing. I hope that if he were here he would be proud of me--the person I am and the choices I've made.
He taught me a lot of things. He was present for me and my family. He worked HARD to take care of us. He raised us as children should be raised. He didn't let us do what we wanted to do and he didn't let us disrespect him or our mother. He set a standard for us and we are who we are because of him.
I did not intend for this blog to go in this direction. I feel like I'm rambling. How do you deal with the loss of a loved one?...You live and you keep living and you love and you don't change who you are. You might make a few mistakes, but maintain your integrity. No matter what, I'm still Rufus Parker's child. There's a level of expectation that comes with being his child and by meeting and exceeding those expectations, I keep his memory alive.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
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